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Sunday, April 27, 2014

Finding Lucy: In the crowd.

I don't often think about that night. That night when Lucy left me standing outside the purple car, while Lucy was inside.
I stood there in the middle of the desert. Noone to talk to, letching at the prudish moon, all out and big and proud. Lucy, was inside.
I wanted to open the door, get on my knees, and claim Lucy. Or save Lucy, as I dream. But I couldn't. I couldn't help but think, even if it was just out of bitterness, that Lucy didn't deserve it.
About the snake who gives himself so easy into any shape, I wonder about its  reality. I wonder about its power. I wonder in pain. And longing. For my love for it is the same, despite all its grime and deciet.
Lucy was still Lucy, but not the same. Or was it my devotion that had changed? Devotion could be a constant.

About the mud that was upon Lucy, who had gained so much vanity because of what it was upon... She felt happy. But what about Lucy? What had Lucy gained? No, Lucy didn't lose anything. My devotion is a constant.
I wanted to open the door, stand on my feet, and claim that vanity. I knew I could. I could try at least. That happiness would be so much more, the mud can never know, when that happiness would be mine.
But that's the thing. I can't claim Lucy unless Lucy claims me. I will just wait outside the purple car and when Lucy is done, I will drive them home.

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Finding Lucy: Forbidden Fruit.

I am afraid. I am afraid to harm you. Or I am afraid of harm.
Harm rests underneath my intentions, even when my intentions may not have been harmful. I resist, I drip, I take muffled full breaths, whenever I am around you, knowing fully well that you are not around.
But that's the thing. I do not know fully well.
Why aren't you anything. Why aren't you anything? Why aren't you factual.
Because I know in fact... you have a body.
...
If I were to try and touch you... Would you turn back and tell everyone you have the upper hand? 

Friday, April 18, 2014

Finding Lucy.

When Lucy told me he lost his job… I was happy. I was happy to have Lucy home with me. In my head, I imagined that it meant I could have Lucy all to me, without a care for what Lucy wants, if that’s what Lucy needs, in my head, in my pathetic head, I started to dream Lucy while Lucy was there in front of me sipping heat and sweat. Even dust, but in my head, in my pathetic head, dust and Lucy were exclusive.
Lucy told me he was ambitious, if it were so it was my grievous fault to love him like that. And yet in my head, in my pathetic head…
Who are we? Can we stop?
When Lucy drinks nowadays, he drinks a lot. I stock my fridge with everything Lucy doesn't need, in the hope that it would make Lucy need me. But Lucy and I are exclusive. Yet, in my… well, you know!
Lucy doesn’t know how I even live. I clean the kitchen whenever Lucy wants to comes over. All that remains, grease and egg, of the steak I tried to make three nights before, Lucy has never seen. Lucy has no idea, that I am Lucy in my very own way. That, in my head, in my pathetic head, I am Lucy or worse…
Is it because I am Lucy, or it is for Lucy isn't with me. Because if Lucy was… with me, like Lucy is in my pathetic head… we wouldn't be Lucy.



Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Beloved, love is

The best love is
Love is
Love is the best
The most
The most loved
Is Love
When love
Is Love
It is
The one
Is loved the most
The best
The worst
The most longing
Is for the love
Is for the one you
You never went
Through with
Is love
Is best
Imagined and
Left to love
In you, and you are
The Love
 Is love is you
Are.

Best love is
lost
And lived
in your
Love is
imagination
Love is
Love is
Love it is
Imagined
And free
From love there isn’t
That isn’t going to be
But it is
Love is
There
In
Your heart
...
Its nice if you read this after having heard Nina Simone sing in this wonderful video.