Everyone who has ever come to my flat where I have been living for almost two years after moving out my parents’ home has said the same thing.
‘You should do up the place. Get a few paintings or a lamp maybe? Your walls look empty.’
Everything I am, everything I needed, I carried inside me. I never let my walls become barriers holding up reminders from my past. Empty walls let me be whoever I wanted to be. I didn’t let lamps impose warmth; instead I let white light expose everything I was going through without the filter of soothing yellow. I faced everything head on.
And it made me weak. I only realized that last night when I found a chart I created long ago that lists important events in my life. I was packing and I found it rolled up, forgotten in a corner. I opened it and my life lay before me. Everything I was, all things that have brought me where I am, it was there.
The answer to what I am and wanted to become lay there chalked out in who I have been. Immediately it started to fill me up taking over the emptiness I have been battling in recent months. I took me back to tougher situations I had handled and won over. It brought me back my old joys and victories, old love affairs, discoveries… I felt full.
I can’t believe I have lived two years in a place without letting it comfort me.
I have decided to move back to my parents’ for a couple of months to regain what I have lost to unfamiliarity. But the next house I move into… I am going to bring so many things from my past and let them surround me. You should too!